Real People, Real Situations.

We’re excited to kick off a new series here on the Sooth blog. Case Closed is our new feature to share stories about community members' adventures with advice on and off the app. We’ll roll it out in phases over the course of the week, kicking off each episode with a little more color than you'd normally see in the situations community members need advice on. Next we’ll share the advice they received both in person and on Sooth. Finally, we’ll wrap up each Case Closed by revealing what the person ended up doing and what happened. Get ready to weigh in, and let us know if you’d like to submit your own adventures.

THE SITUATION: 

I'm in my mid 30s and in a relationship with a wonderful man I've known about a year. We’ve discussed the future, wanting marriage and kids, and have recently moved in together. Everything was going great until we had our first real fight... and it was vicious. I don't even think the "issue" will come up again, but the nature of the fighting (yelling, tears--both mine and his--him storming out of the house) threw me for a loop. I found myself questioning the whole relationship. Neither of us could see the other's point of view and we ended it each feeling the other was insane. In the heat of the moment, we said things to each other which, though I'm sure we don't fully believe, I was unsure what to do with after. I'd never been much of a fighter in past relationships. I'm typically the one to back down- avoiding my feelings altogether if i thought they'd cause conflict or walking away from a relationship before the fighting got bad. I knew my boyfriend to be a passionate person--it was one of the things that drew me to him--but after this fight, I kept wondering if his confrontational style combined with my own (lack) was just too much of an incompatibility. What really bothered me was that so much was made of what in my mind should have been a relatively small issue. I obsessed over this almost constantly for about two weeks--long after we had on the surface moved on--not wanting to bring it up again, but not not wanting to.

THE ADVICE: 

My Best Friend, in person
My best friend took my side 100%. Of course. She thinks b/f was totally out of line, he owes me an apology, as well as a promise to work on what she sees as "his anger problem."

Coworker, in person
My 10 years-married coworker is a big believer in the “blow-out fight”. It's the only way she knows how to deal, and she actually finds them "quite cathartic"! 

Soother #1, anonymous
Arguments can serve a healthy purpose in relationships. Maybe you have a fear of conflict that’s caused you to end previous relationships prematurely. Have you always been unwilling to face conflicts and work through them? What else in your life is making you fear conflict? Don’t let an isolated argument taint your view on the entire relationship, if he is indeed “wonderful.” Work on your comfort with anger- expressing your own and managing his.

Soother #2, anonymous
You shouldn't take all the blame, nor should he. Are you ready to let this relationship go? If you’re putting this much thought into it, that’s your heart telling you tobring it up with him again and see if this argument has shaken him as much as it has you. Don’t be afraid of confrontation. It’s critical to communicate in the early stages of a relationship - and yes, 1 year is early! 

 

Let us know what advice you would give in this situation. And come back later this week to find out what happened.